Something strange is going on these days… Yes, it’s already fifth year, that I am single and I started to enjoy being single. And yes, I have offers from different men every day.
What can I do with a man, who is living at the other side of the ocean? Every day I have offers from man and first I was thinking I will remove my twenty and something old picture from twitter. Than I just didn’t bothered anymore. Of course I still have to explain that these are my old pictures and I don’t look like that anymore.
How do I look? How does a 50 years woman who is living just for her kids and who has no work looks? I am actually not very fat and I just gave up thinking that I will ever loose weight again. Last few months I ate just fruits and bread and something on. I don’t eat meat at all. But my body didn’t change very much…
Apart from going out… I didn’t go on the seaside for 5 years. My kids did. I didn’t buy myself anything to dress. Actually I did by myself a jacket, but I never wear it. But I don’t have anything to dress. I apply myself for a job… the presentation is in this beautiful new hotel… how can I go there when I don’t have anything to dress. I mean, I have my clothes from ten years ago, when I was thin…
I never go out anywhere, not even for a New Year. Good excuse is that I don’t drive a car. I don’t even consider it driving again. It’s funny when all people have plans for themselves and their families. I don’t have any plans. I was going on fitness but I stopped in the summer, cause it was too hot. I never went outiside the whole summer. Thanks God that I thought one girl English but it was for free, she didn’t have any money.
When I look at my life… it’s like a wait for the day that I will die. I don’t have any interests, I don’t have job. I wrote so many applications but I was refused. To be honest, I didn’t want any of these jobs,,, So, I got so much money that I can’t die and I can’t live.
Of course I had big dreams. But I stopped dreaming. I am not even intersted to writre this book till the end because there is never an end. It’s always a new day. But in my life there is always more… the same… struggle with money… if the kids will be ok. They are. Maybe I will wake up when my kids will go in secondary school. They actually are not a problem at all.
I just stopped living because of so many dissapointments in my life. I met one nice guy some weeks ago, but he turned out to be very aggressive and kind of sex maniac. The other one who wanted to see me I didn’t let him come to me because I am not ready to be together with a man. Will I have to sleep with him? But I am fat and…
Universe is sending me all the time men, but they are living at the wrong side or… if they are living near, it is somethingor the other that is not ok. Maybe they don’t look the way I want… or whatever.
What can I do? I have to live. Life is going on. So… I live it like that. I am sick of my expectation from myself. I am sick of the fact that summer is again going away and… I am sick of living a life in a self imposed prison like that.
